Settling for number 2

Could you settle for being number two even if you were treated the same as number one? This is a question that has been brewing in my mind for the past few months. Primarily because I was approached with this arrangement more that once and though I reacted the way that I felt was right for me It still burned me up that people really believe that this is possible. It is a well-known fact that in today’s society, there aren’t as many monogamous relationships as there were back in the day. For whatever reason, people can’t seem to be occupied with just that one person. The problem comes in when we begin to accept it. What I mean by this is, knowing that your mate is in another relationship and choosing to settle for it just to be with them. I mean is it really worth it? From the outside looking in some would probably say that it is, when you really love that person. Me, I just think its selfishness to even ask someone to deal with it just so that they won’t deal with anyone else. As usual I relate this to my own personal situations and this time it’s two separate incidents. I’d really like your honest opinions on each of these situations as it may relate to you or someone you know and could possibly help someone else.

So a guy that I had been dating for two years or so, though on and off, felt that I should deal with him exclusively even though he had a woman at home. To give a little back ground, this is the same guy that after 9 months of being together and finally getting me to open up told me that he in fact had someone. And this came just days after he asked that we be together, exclusively. Of course I was furious and broke off the relationship. Months later I finally give in and like a fool believed that he was single when I learned after a few short weeks, wasn’t the case. Again, I broke it off.  I ignored his calls and advances for a while, only dealing with him when I wanted to and never getting my feelings wrapped up. Fast Forward a year later he again claims to be single and wants to make things work with me. Though I was a fool for love at this point, I wasn’t a “Fool” and I knew his patterns. Since nothing changed, I assumed that nothing changed at home. Of course he wouldn’t admit it so instead of playing his game I treated him as I did years before when he begged me to open up. I was cold and cold hearted both of which he couldn’t deal with. He asked if I loved him anymore since I wasn’t acting the same. I said of course but I know that you have someone so I’m not going to fool myself into believing that things will be different here. I actually tricked him into being honest telling him that things would remain the same. So he did, he admitted that he did have someone but added to this by saying he still wanted to be with me. I thought he was crazy! Was I supposed to settle for number 2? When I asked him this, he said who says she’d be number one? I’m with her but I love you more that I love her and that’s honest. Was he kidding me? What makes her number one is the fact that you go home to her every night, she’s the one your family knows, she’s the one your friends know, she’s the one that you are trying not to hurt, that’s what makes her number one. He says, he’d be hurt if I left and he promised to fix the situation if I could bear with him. He also wanted me to deal with him and no one else. Yeah, he was really crazy at this point. So I’m supposed to sit here and wait for you break it off with her, which in this case will probably never happen? Just like the Ciara Tune Never Ever, if he hadn’t left her by then he probably never would, for me anyway. Needless to say, I chose to step off and end my communication with him. I felt that it wasn’t worth pursuing any longer.

Guy number two is a guy that I dealt with back when I was a teenager. I moved on because I felt like we were moving it two different directions. Over the years I’d bumped into him and different events and he always told me how he still loved me even after almost eight or nine years had passed. I never fed into it until on particular night when he was really aggressive in his approach. So we began to talk over the next few weeks and eventually one thing led to another. Following that evening we spoke over the phone and he says he wanted to let me know that he had “folks”, meaning a woman but he always had feeling for me and didn’t want me to back away. He’d settle for even being friends if that’s what I wanted. I was fine with that but of course that’s not really what he wanted. He began to come around more often, we’d go out and do things together and he’d most times spend the night. One day he says he needs us to be together and could deal with having two women if I could. I shook my head and laughed because I couldn’t believe that yet another person would ask the same thing. He says there wouldn’t be a number one and number two it would be one and one. Yeah, he was tripping! Because I knew that this wasn’t possible. I could deal with being “friends” but anything past that wasn’t going to fly. So now after weeks of the same thing he gets a text from his girl asking if they should just end it because things haven’t been the same in weeks. He’d been staying out and they’d been arguing a lot more and so much other crap. He even shows me the texts. In my mind I’m saying, told you so, because eventually someone would feel slighted and we hadn’t even took things to the level he in fact wanted to. So he was losing his girl because he wanted to spend too much time with me.

Two different situations and two different endings but I believe they clearly show that this isn’t possible. I posed this question to some of my friends online and while some answered it jokingly some really took the time to give it thought. Being number two could in my opinion work only if you aren’t looking to be in a committed relationship. Reason being, you aren’t fighting to be with them and you probably have other “friends” on the side anyway or a number one yourself. Otherwise, you’d run into a problem. How long could someone really deal with being on the side? I think that eventually you’d yearn for the things that you aren’t getting and despise the person that is. Then if you were promised that spot, you’d sit around and wait and could eventually end up with nothing in the end but a bunch of wasted time and a broken heart. Whereas some people were taught not to settle for less, some where taught to fight for what they want and you could ultimately be fighting a war that you’d never win. Why be exclusive to a person that can’t offer you the same? It doesn’t really make sense.

The song, Boyfriend Number Two, though a catchy tune is another point I’d like to make. Men can’t and even if they could, wouldn’t settle for being number two in the literal sense. The song isn’t really about being another boyfriend but being the sidepiece you can call when you need some TLC.  A man is all for that because you probably won’t ruin anything he has going on outside of this since you already have a man of your own. If this was one of the situations I mentioned above, I don’t believe that there is a man that would say, “OK, I will only deal with you but It’s OK for you to go home to your other man every night.” That’s bull if they say they would. It’s a known fact that men always ask women to deal with things that they could never deal with themselves and this is definitely one of those things. The moral of this is that we’d all be foolish if we believed that this could work. There is NO WAY you can treat two people equally in this situation.  My advice, don’t settle for number two, you have to be number one at all times. As one of my friends said, even if you’re alone you still have to be number one to yourself. Alone, but number one!

This article isn’t to preach to any choir, it is simply my opinion. The meaning of the title He Said, She Said is to show a woman’s opinion vs. a man’s opinion on many of today’s issues. Feel free to comment or email me you opinions, suggestions or questions. I enjoyed writing this and I hope my readers enjoy reading it. Next time I’ll be back with another issue that I’m sure everyone can relate to.

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